Everything is ok

Today is my birthday. I started the day feeling down, for so many reasons: an old friend of mine picked My Birthday to bring up some things that were hurtful, I am all alone today since I have been jobless since Monday. I went to get a massage that turned out terrible. I did get a gift certificate though in case I wanted to ever come back. Trying to make my day a good one didn’t seem to work so I headed home.

See, I was really trying to not feel sorry for myself and do something for me, like all my close friends and relative always tell me I should do. I always put everyone else first and usually don’t like wasting money on myself. Then when I do, it doesn’t seem to work. But this time, I didn’t give up. I called up a different massage place, got an appointment and finally got the massage I deserved and needed.  I walked home, feeling content and decided to write a post.

I have been gone for so long and have truly missed writing, one of my passions. I will soon go back to writing about random things, health, politics, and other things, you, my dear readers love but for now, I need to express and share a bit of me and my “wisdom”.

Since Monday, I have been worried about how I was going to provide for my family now that I was jobless. I have many moments of ” freaking out, OH MY GOG what am I gonna do, how am I gonna pay for this and that”. But I also have to be honest and admit that I have had many moments of liberation. Monday night, in the shower, I felt like I had just been released from prison, or as if I was alive again.

Having someone repress you everyday is the worst thing a human being can go through. Not being able to be yourself is a shame and a tragedy. At the end of the day, you are more than your paycheck, you are more than your commute and how much stuff you buy, how often you travel, what you do for the holiday. Deep down, you are YOU, a fertilized egg who grew slowly and was influenced negatively or positively by those who raised you. But really, you are just a peaceful piece of nature, or miracle and more than anything you owe it to yourself and nature/God to live your life, the way you want it and to be happy.

I am tired of explaining who I am to those who do not get me. I am tired of trying to please everyone. And so what if people don’t like me….does it mean I am less than they are? No. I am still this little piece of nature. I was obviously meant to be here. So good riddance bad jobs, good riddance bad people or bad friends. I don’t owe you anything. I owe myself more. I owe Nature more. I owe my child more.

The purpose of this blog was always to support those who do not feel like they belong……(fill in the blank). This is for the beautiful souls who are talented and intelligent and those who want peace and love and understanding around them and are shut down by the others who tell them they are not being realistic. Who are they to decide what we can and cannot do? What we should and should not do?

I am tired of trying to fit in and having to explain myself (I know I am repeating myself).

Everything is ok. I am warm. Everything around me is calm right now. I am listening to Debussy. There is a lot to do and think about and figure out but for now, right now. Everything is ok.

Remember, if you feel like you do not fit in, it just means you are around the wrong people and you have yet to find those who are like minded. Send out a message to that world. Maybe they will come to you.

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Restrictions

It has been way too long since I wrote a post here.

I miss blogging, but my life has taken a different course the past 5 months and I have been having a hard time adjusting. I work full-time now, like many/ most people. Still, I am a full-time mom. I still run the household.

I can’t even remember if I mentioned this before but I have a couple auto immune diseases and the number one thing my doctors always recommend me is to rest, rest, rest and not push myself to hard. I have done the complete opposite for the past few months. I lost my somewhat good habits, gained at least 20 pounds, stopped exercising, am constantly tired, was total moody for 2 months when I started my new job and stopped doing almost everything that actually made me happy because I had no time to do them or was too exhausted to do them.

Some of the things I stopped doing was: well obviously, blogging. Sorry guys. Not sure you missed me but I surely missed YOU! I also stopped doing most things I love writing about on his blog. I stopped listening to music, watching movies, walking, taking photos, watching and reading news stories, checking Facebook for political humor posts to repost, and eating healthy to mention just a few. I figured that after a few months, I would adjust and find a way to reincorporate all those things I had to put on the back burner during the adjustment period. I have indeed been able to manage doing some of those things but I constantly feel rushed though. It just isn’t the same.

I had not worked full-time in quite a long-time. I always managed to work part-time so I could be a very involved mother. Being a mother is my number one priority. However, it was time and necessary to go back to work full-time to make things easier financially. Don’t get me wrong, I also went back to work full-time for me. I needed to be more validated as a person. It now sounds completely ridiculous, but I needed to feel like I was more “normal” ” be part of the society” “be like everyone else”– I know it sounds like the total opposite of what I am writing on this blog and who I am. But I guess, sometimes, you just want to feel validated. ( I had been looking for a full-time job for a while and after so many rejections, I started to feel like there was something wrong with me). I finally found a great job, that paid well, that was related to what I had gone to school for, etc. I felt like I fit in -at first. It was great, even though I was miserable at the same time (missing all I mentioned above), I was so happy to be like everyone else, skills recognized, remunerated, etc.

The only problem is: I am not like everyone else. I am not meant to work a 8-5 job. People do not appreciate me for who I am and they try to change me. In order for me to fit in, I need to drastically change my personality which in return makes me so unhappy, it is as if someone had crushed my spirit. I have been doing a fantastic job at my work. I have even at times been praised for it. However, I have been criticized for a few things that I can honestly not change, as they are just innate and part of ME. There is an unbelievable amount of double standard in my place of work and I will leave it at that as I am not interested in judging and commenting on it. Instead I want to talk about generally how it is pretty much the same everywhere. I have a huge problem with workplaces or people who have double standards. This is not a new occurrence.

In society, there are three groups: the ones who try to mold people in a certain way to control them and get what they want or need out of them/it (let’s call this GROUP A for the fun of it), the ones who fit in the mold and make themselves comfortable in it or the ones who are oblivious they are in it (GROUP B), and finally the ones who are resistant to being molded and want to burst out of the mold (GROUP Z).

Group A are employers, banks, those who hold political offices, pharmaceutical companies, teachers, doctors, the media, religious leaders, the Upper Class,etc. Group B are employees, patients, the average citizen, students, most kids, most religious people, for the most part the middle class and lower class. Group Z are activists, Anonymous and Occupy groups, people who follow those who question and expose Group A, some atheists, agnostics,  some scientific people, anyone who “doesn’t fit in”. Z people also often are B people with depression or substance abuse. They just haven’t realize yet that they are Z people, they still try to be B people. Once they realize it is ok to be who they are, they fall into the Z category.

Group A has been creating and perpetuating group B for centuries by putting restrictions on B people. I always like to go back as far as the feudal system because of it is the best, simplest and most obvious example. It must be the French in me that loves discussing this but it is not my purpose here. If you are interested in learning more about feudalism, go google it.

I have always been outspoken about the fact that I am not meant to work in a corporate environment. I do not do very well with rules. I can follow them. That is not the problem, but I become so miserable that it just ends up utterly miserable. Either I hurt myself, my being depressed or overeating, etc ( being a B person) or I end up speaking up and rebelling against the rules and resigning from my jobs. I have indeed quit  jobs because they felt unethical or because my superior had double standard or were dishonest. This unfortunately is so apparent at my current job, I am miserable. I find myself feeling sorry for humanity in a way, but then I realize it is more us, Americans. We work so hard, we make ourselves sick. We work so hard to make it. We work hard so our kids make it and don’t have to struggle. But while we are doing this, we barely see our kids, husband, families, ourselves. We lose touch with who we are.

Lately when I come home at night, I am so exhausted, I pass out on my couch and end up wasting my few hours with my kid. It makes me so sad that by the time it is bedtime, I cry. My bedroom has this collage I made a long time ago (with my kid). It is a collage that grounds me. It is all about nature, love, beauty and purity. I find myself staring at it and then I just burst out, feeling like I’m not being the being nature meant for me to be. I am upset about it too because I yearn for this being but it is seems impossible. I have so little time for fun now or just to breathe and reflect. So little time to enjoy life and my family. We all work so hard for the future or to not be homeless that we ending not enjoying the now. When will there be time? I am truly sad. And I feel stupid. Stupid that I can’t seem to figure out how to be happy in this society, how to make a living and do what I love. Isn’t it everyone’s problem? Pursuit of happiness?

It feels like my work just turns my brain off. Going to work every morning, being stuck in traffic, rushing home to rest just to do it again the next day. What a life! I knew I was never going to be happy in a cubicle. But I had to because I need to support my family. Now, I wonder if it is worth it? And I go back and forth….I do this for my kid can fulfill her dream, but at what price now? My child, like every parent is the most important thing to me in this universe. But it goes beyond the normal love between a mother and child. My child is my soul mate. I believe people have many soul mates.  My heart aches everyday when I have to be away from my kid for so long. It is truly the worst heartbreak I have ever had. Forget about boyfriends, etc. I think it is much worse because I am not happy at my work. If at least I felt joy during the day.

I know, I know. I just need to look for another job. Not so easy to do, in an economy like ours. But I do not give up. I need to get back to me. I have been saying that for years now. My favorite motto is ” When there is a will, there is a way” . So what is my problem? What is our problem? We all have dreams, aspirations, no one wants to work at a job we hate or don’t enjoy, a job that drains us and makes us feel like robots or zombie. We are all afraid. Of what? Everyone is different but we are all afraid of taking the leap. We are afraid of failure. But aren’t we failing ourselves already everyday by not being the way Nature/God intended us to be?

Happy.